2000-12-22

11:54 am

miracles don't happen

Sick. I've had the flu for several days, which would explain the untimely update in my journal.

Unemployed. I haven't been working and although I succeeded in getting a new job, I don't start until after the new year. Without work, I'm catching up on the social aspect of everything, leaving me away from my computer all too often.

Anticipating. Dave will be visiting in 6 days so everyone should go ahead and email him telling him how excited I am... and that you are, too.

*

I went to the bar the other night, drinking enough to fill an entire pool, and in my drunken state, I received some news that somewhat disturbed me. Five years ago, my relationship with a boy I had been dating for 2 years came to an end. I dedicated time, money, and love to him that I never thought I had in me. The other night, I learned of all the things he did behind my back that I was never aware of. He was my first love and when we ended things, I carried those bruised emotions with me into every relationship that followed. His actions caused me to be distrusting, uncaring, and selfish because I had not learned how to deal with them and fully move on.

The other night, I learned that these fears were all justified in its own way because I learned of all the hurtful things he did. They were all validated and it broke my heart all over again...

Five years later, and I'm still that child who was walked on... I'm still that girl who believed in someone who never really believed in me.

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