2000-11-28

10:48 am

unwarranted chatter

It's time to exhale, kids... according to grim, things went wonderful with the infamous kate and I must say that I couldn't be happier for the two of them.

***

Have you ever had one of those talks with someone where everything you say comes out wrong? I, last night, played a part in that game where I left myself vulnerable and wide open, revealing secrets and telling lies all to make myself seem more sure of something although I'm not sure what. We talked of relationships and of friendships and the somewhere-in-between that we've tried to maintain from day one... and somehow, my words came out all wrong, leaving me second-guessing everything I said and leaving me wondering if I made myself clear. if I made myself known. If I made any sense at all, really...

It was late. I was tired. I made it sound as if I was asking for something that I just don't want or need right now. I made it sound as if keeping him at arm's length was not something I wanted but rather something that I was being forced to do. I dont know how it came out that way but it couldn't be further from the truth. I guess you could call it denial but its not. Its more of a bother. I don't have the time for something of that sort. I don't have, want, or need that right now. I've more than learned how to stand on my own two feet and leaning on someone right now defeats the whole purpose.

But overall, I'm proud to say that I'm ok with keeping my distance. I don't want love. I want fingers on my spine, warm breath on my neck, exchanged smiles when nobody else is looking... and that wonderful feeling of knowing that I don't owe anyone anything. I don't have to feel obligation or guilt or regret. about anything.

Because when I go to sleep at night, I can close my eyes knowing that my day was worthwhile... and if that someone happens to be next to me, so be it. If only for a little while.

I just don't want to put any more thought or feeling into it because these are the things that provoke my tunnel vision. I'll start to see things on that narrow path as I always do and pointing out the flaws only leads me back to square one. I've crushed so many beautiful things walking down that path before and this neverending hunt to replace that perfect boy requires an effort that I just don't have to give right now...

So, I'll use this medium as a way to relax, drain my thoughts onto the screen, and remind myself that when I go home at night, those flaws are not the first thing I see and these questions about everything around me are not still in my head, and that long lost boy is irreplacable... and then I, too, can exhale.

These unneccesary talks can be rough on your mind.

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