2000-11-27

4:16 pm

opportunity closes

I don't fall in or out of love. I fear. Like so many people I know, I've learned how to turn on and off my emotions and right now, they are completely turned off.

Love can be such a glorious and amazingly painful thing. It can be the reason for getting out of bed in the morning but it can also be the reason you can't wait to climb back in, pulling the sheets over your head and closing your eyes, waiting for morning to start all over...

..and because I can't see him every day, I'm moving on. Because I can't hold him in my arms every day, knowing things are ok, I'm pushing forward. Because I no longer see his smiling face, feel his rough hands, or kiss his soft lips, I've got to remember that there are still beautiful people and wonderful things I must see before my time...

but he didn't have to go so soon. He didn't have to disappear from my life so quickly. When I closed my eyes, he vanished. I think about him from time to time and wonder how things turned out the way they did. He was my better half and I loved him with every part of my body and mind. He was my purpose in life.

Although I'm still a better person for knowing him and getting that bit-part in his life, I know that my 15 minutes of fame should have been stretched out further...

But even when I think back and remember the smell of his hair and the way one eyebrow raised when he smiled, I know that his life was not in vain and his death was not too soon. He served his own purpose in life.. if only for a brief time.

Shame on me for kissing him with my eyes closed so tight.

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