2000-11-20

1:02 pm

jack nasty

I know that NewBoy has not gotten the justification that he so richly deserves. I'll do my best to write it out.

See, we have this wonderfully scandalous relationship where we spend quite a bit of time together, everyone questioning our intentions and other than a few poor excuses and a smirk like the cad that he is, we don't reveal a thing. At first, it intrigued me. I liked knowing that every thought exchanged and every kiss sneaked behind their backs was proof to what we shared and how it was ours and ours alone. I liked not having emotional/ sexual attachments but rather a new-found friendship with an indisputable attraction that sometimes came forward.

Since then, I've realized that all this talk about being my own soul and being independant from all relationship tie-ins was an excuse. The truth is, I want all that and more. Just not with him. Not now (or maybe ever). But I, in an attempt to excuse myself from any fault or hurt feelings, had originally told him to call all the shots. In his hands, I left all the decisions. All those horrible little details that must be worked out such as "do you plan on dating other people?" and "how much time do we plan on putting aside for each other?" why do i make things so complicated?

Telling him this, I used an obscure vocabulary, watching each words come stumbling out of my mouth, never thinking how it might change things. I tried to explain that I don't want much from him but it came out all wrong. I guess I just feel that NewBoy isn't so "new" anymore...

If only I could read his mind.

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