2001-03-21

08:36 p.m.

up on a pedestal

I take back the last statement made in my last entry. When I spoke of the unimaginable perfect man, I was wrong. I know the perfect man. He is my dad. Tonight, I had an arguement with my parents, driving 45 minutes to see them, say three words, and turn around and go home, all the while choking back those horrible little drops forming along my eyelids, wiping ever-so-gently so I wouldn't smudge my newly applied make-up, and thinking about things. My parents found out about my money situation and my debts and were furious. I've been reassuring them that I had everything under control because I hate to see my mother lose color in her cheeks when she starts worrying about what will happen to her youngest when she can't afford to eat and has her electricity shut off. It makes me feel as though I've become an even bigger failure, just by seeing her disappointment and fear behind those big blue eyes. But back to my original point, I realized tonight that my father really is the perfect man because of his behavior throughout tonight's squabble. When I arrived at the house, he retreated to his bedroom so he would not have to face me while angry. He let me battle it out with my mother, staying away because of his horrible temper. When it was all said and done, I left feeling even worse. I didn't even make it around the corner before he called my cell phone and said "no matter what, i always love you..." and he hung up before i could respond. I'm sure right now you're wondering how i could say he's the perfect man if we're fighting but its because he's the type of human i've always strived to be like... and no matter what disagreement we have, i know i still feel strongly about that. i guess thats what makes him perfect. in my eyes, he'll always be flawless... just like the way he sees me.

*

Now here is where I reveal something about me that I normally don't do. Granted, I always talk about my financial problems, my love problems, my social inadequacies, and everything else under this damn sun but most of the time, i avoid the topic of health. i mean, other than the common flu, i never discuss my health... for once, i'm going to do just that... because i've finally sorted out my readers, getting rid of anyone who really knows me personally (and the fear of embarrassment is gone). So, I give you fair warning. If you are not prepared to read about my health problems, I suggest you change channels now. Mothers, this may be in the PG-13 realm so you might want to make the kids put on cartoons instead. Here we go:

Two days ago, I went to the doctor because of a lump in my breast (second in this lifetime). They were unable to draw fluid from it so tomorrow, i will learn if this solid mass is cancerous or not. If it is, it will be time for me to go under the knife. If that is unsuccessful, I have to go through a series of radiation therapy. Wonderful, isn't it?

*

I hadn't planned on leaving this entry on such a depressing note but writing that last paragraph took too much strength out of me. (its so much harder to see it written down in front of me) So, on that note, I'm going to leave that topic alone and get away from this diary, leaving all these thoughts on the screen with it....

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