2001-03-07

10:21 pm

i drink too much

After finally receiving an offer today, I start my new job on Monday. On an even better note, I have finally been quoted. yay me.

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I got a mix tape in the mail today from a friend and I have to admit that its my favorite thing to get in the mail. I usually put the tape or cd in and listen to it while i read the letters attached or thumb through the selection. Sets me back a few days, at the very least just for listening but its my favorite thing to get in the mail. I just can't help myself.

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I had a little too much to drink again last night. Its again becoming a reoccuring theme in my life. I drink too much, do stupid things, and then spend the next few days trying to get over it... this time, I'm trying not to put too much thought into it. I got involved in a few bad discussions, danced in the rain with a newfound stranger, watched the sun come up with him, and then fell asleep in my bed, waking up feeling cold, dirty, and exhausted. Why is it that I can always manage to do this and then pretend to be ok with it the next day? Some of my friends think i'm in the beginning stages of having a drinking problem. See, the only reason they don't think its too serious is because I have not yet reached the stage where I'm keeping bottles on my closet floor so I can drink alone. I'm definitely only a social drinker... but a little too social at times. When i do drink, I drink in mass quantities, making myself the asshole in the situation. I say stupid things, I do stupid things, and I try to pretend like everythings fine the next day. Each morning after, I swear off all alcoholic beverages as well as all the stupid antics I may have pulled during that time but this morning, all I could think about was having another drink because it would help me forget what i did the night before. I guess that was mistake number one. Mistake number two would be the fact that I put on depressing music and made some food. Cooking for one while listening to sad music just proves how lonely your life can get. Its sad but true. I have issues about my lonliness that I have yet to be sorted out. I have quite a few issues that need to be sorted out, I guess but I'm going to cut out this party-girl side of me come Monday when the new job starts. I guess thats all a part of learning and growing. Until then, I'll take it day by day and try not to subject myself to any more humility. Theres only so much that one person can take before that nightmare of showing up to your junior high school naked becomes a reality.. and I think I've pushed the envelope a little too far this time.

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