2001-02-15

8:52 pm

post valentine

I had a good Valentines Day. I drove the two hours to see him and he presented me with a Gentle Waves CD which made my heart jump. We went to dinner with our friends, his roommates, a lovely couple that I've known for years. We went to a movie and every now and then, I looked over at him and he was just looking at me. You could see behind those eyes and see that the wheels were turning but I just couldn't figure out his thoughts. I hate that.

I knew he could tell that in life, I'm not like my diary. People read these entries and get this image of what I'm like... and then become disappointed when they realize this isn't really me. This is my outlet because the things I write here are things that I don't talk about or show in my real life. This is my escape and the seperation of the two are the only things that keep me real... and now I fear that when this side of me stays hidden, my shallowness will show through...

*

Why am I so incapable of love? When I lack closure, I find it impossible to move on and it scares me to death. I think about all the people in my life and how my ability to love has vanished. I have learned to care for the people around me (and distant from me) but my inability to fall in love follows me like a plague. Not too long ago, I had to shut off all feelings of love to avoid being crushed. I waited too long and I was squashed like an ant. Since then, the well has run dry and I can't seem to turn that part of me back on... I'd like to blame 'him' because it was so easy before but this time, its all me...

*

On a lighter note, I was so tired when I got home today that I fell asleep on my couch. When I awoke, I discovered I had messages and tomorrow, I have two job interviews, both looking VERY promising. I'm nervous and excited and scared all at once and tomorrow can't come soon enough.

*

I hope everyone had a great valentines day.. and to you and you, soon you'll have every valentines day to be near each other... and somewhere in the world, I'll be smiling because of thoughts like that...

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