2001-02-07

2:54 am

my diary downfall

Its 3am and my mind is whirling so I'm going to try to stay awake long enough to put it all down on paper, before my thoughts and mind drift elsewhere (to sleep).

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There have been several things on my mind lately so I'm going to try to sum it up, each one by one, writing everything that I've been feeling, thinking, living for the last few weeks.

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In other news, DistantBoy sent me a poem via email today and it was quite moving. I'm going to share it with the masses and hope he doesn't mind...

'poetry, prose from soft hands flow

pretty frames hold pretty words

tied with pretty bows

read it out loud i want to hear your voice

reflections of eyes beautiful, shining

visions of futures, i sit pining

think about this i want to hear you breathe

i sit staring wonder what you think

while i sit the world could shrink

i wouldn't notice i want to listen'

I needed to hear someone else's words for a change and this was a nice change, at that... if he could only keep them coming... already, i'm a better person for knowing him. Its a shame he's got to be DistanceBoy...

*

This morning, I picked a friend up for breakfast and did not drop him off until 13 hours later. After a movie, some cleaning, some other friends over, a late night trip to a diner, and a hell of a lot of driving, I had a great afternoon... new friends are a welcomed treat.

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Journals. Over the last few weeks, I've learned that too many of my friends have journals online. I find it disturbing when I have to learn about the major changes in their life by reading their diaries. I have friends on IAM.BMEZINE.COM journal(s), 'LiveJournal'(s), and diaryland journal(s). At times, its too much to read and lately, everyone is just making me sad... I can't help but think back to a simpler time.

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This entry has taken me over an hour to write so far because I took a break to do some web browsing through some of the aforementioned diaries. I found myself going through diaries from link after link, finding people I knew, finding people my friends knew, finding people they might talk to via internet, and on almost every one, I found they said the same thing. "I'm still looking for that someone... I am wondering if I should move to the opposite coast of where I am living... blah blah blah". Everyone is so hellbent on getting out of where they live right now and it makes me jealous and angry and depressed all in one.

For so long, I felt trapped in Arizona. I felt trapped in this city, with these walls around me, feeling like I could never get out. I knew I wasn't the only one but I find it disturbing how many people in this "scene", in this "life" are looking for that very same thing.

For the first few readers, I felt pity and sympathy. I felt what they were going through and it made me feel connected in a strange way because these are the same emotions I've struggled over in the last few months. But the more I read, the more I realized that its not pity nor envy that I feel... its shame.

I'm ashamed that after all I've been through here, that I still can't find that sense of comfort or happiness. I'm embarrassed that knowing the good friends I have here, the close family I have, the great lifestyle I lead, I'm still not content. I should be stronger than these other diaries. I should be above that point where all I do is sit and read and think "thats me..". Because its not. I'm not that shallow of a human being that I can overlook everyone and everything around me and see that I have it good. or maybe I am...

I wanted so hard to put these diaries in the back of my mind tonight and think "I don't want to be that person..." but I just can't seem to do it. I'm reading these diaries and wondering if thats my polar opposite or if thats my soul mate. I'm wondering why I, too, haven't met that person or if I have, did it pass me by because I was looking a different direction. I'm wondering if I don't have them in my life because I'm stuck here, in the wrong city, and in all honesty, we all know thats not it.

I keep placing blame on my surroundings when the problem with my happiness (or lack thereof) lies in me. NOT the city I live in. NOT the people I surround myself with. My being, and everything I know to be me, has been taken from this surrounding. It has molded and shaped me into who I am and if I were to ever move away, I could not make the clean getaway that everyone in these diaries believe they will make. The truth is that moving to a different zip code or different area code (with the intent of leaving the last one behind) will not make you a better person or a happier person in the long run.

No matter where I go, I will carry with me the people I care for. They will be held solid in my heart. I will carry with me the lessons I've learned. They will be held solid in my brain. Each will guide me in the right direction when the time comes.

In the meantime, I am going to try my hardest not to become another diary statistic. I will not be those people who dream of far away places for a better life, all the while crushing any chance I have of making this home that very thing. I will not be that girl who wasted her chance of happiness and let opportunity walk away while she sat in front of a monitor, typing out what she's missing. Because what I'm missing is life... and this diary, and all the other diaries I've read tonight are to be my downfall... they will rip me apart if I let them...

so I won't let them. You have my word.

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On that note, I'll close with a quote, something I have failed to do in a long time...

"And did I choose to be the one who is left

Or is this something sinister

And is this proof against my ignorance

Or am I meant to waste away?"

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